"... I was already gone...Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on..."

My mind seems to be running a mile a minute lately. There is too much going on up there. First there is this whole Lauren thing. We are both to stubborn for whatever the next step is. If it's just walking away or if it's forgiving each other. Instead, we hang in limbo waiting for the other to make a move. She did text me and said she hoped that one day we could get over all of this and be friends and that she missed me. I gave her about 24 hours before I wrote her a text that I'm sure is construed as blowing it off. It wasn't intended to be mean but I wasn't ready to go there. She hasn't written since and I'm not sure I want her to. I have a digital frame in my office and there are more pictures of Lauren and I than anything. The first few days I turned it away because it made me mad to look at it. Now it stares me in the face like it's waiting for an answer from me. So do I give in and just grit my teeth through Chris? I can't. I really don't think I can watch him hurt her anymore. And I know we can't be friends without Chris being a factor. She loves him. So what is the issue? Sometimes I can't remember and sometimes it's so fresh in my mind that I hate him more than anything. This will end terribly. I can't explain that to her because she has to see it through. Does that mean I sit by and watch it all go down? Or do I put my foot down and say 'no way.' There is no right answer. I miss her though. I just don't know what to do. Before sticking by her made sense. Now it makes none.

My wisdom teeth are stupid. I was told 7 years ago that I needed them out. I didn't because 1. I hate dentists and 2. If it's not broke, dont fix it, right? Wrong. I'm in a lot of pain- the teeth are impacted and they need to be taken out. I can't until February though so it's suffering until then.

My 25th birthday is coming up soon. I don't even have anything delightful to say about that except that I want to be 21 again. I'm a quarter of a century old. That was funny on Richard's 25th. Now? Not so much. I have something great planned for my friends though. They are going to have a blast.

I miss my Dad. I really do. I should fly out to Washington to see him. If I could fly, which I can't because I'm terrified. He's so sad about missing Christmas with our family. He calls every night almost in tears because he wont be there. I'm making a video at the party and emailing it to him on Christmas morning. Modern technology is nice, huh?

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I really can't wait until Christmas morning. We didn't do a BIG Christmas. I don't even know if we ever will. I think 10 presents is good enough for Ethan. HE has everything he needs and it takes him forever to open a present. He's very OCD about it. The paper cant be wrinkled. The tape comes off first and then he slowly unwraps. There's something weird about that kid. He gets it from his dad, I swear. I love my kids. Maddox is walking now. It's so crazy. He's still my little baby in my head but he grows and he's tall and Mason is sweet and watching Maddox. He wants to walk too but he can't. He gets too excited when he stands up. I just love that little guy. At 1 year old- I can tell his heart is so big.

So much on my mind this Christmas...