"We Wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year"

So it's Christmas Eve. It's the best time of year to have Children. Ethan is so excited about Santa Clause- it's really adorable. I know one day some idiot classmate of his will tell him the truth about all of that- but I hope he gets to believe for a while. It's really fun to be able to watch his eyes light up on Christmas morning and c'mon as a mother- you have to admit, there is not as powerful as pretending to have Santa on your Blackberry speed dial.

Ah work. This is a really good time for work. Mostly there is none except that I do take care of invoices for all of marketing so this is a pretty busy time for me. I also have to organize a large training for January in Dallas so I'm doing a lot of prework to be ready when I get back from Miami on January 5.

I did have enough time today to go down to the gym at the office and take a shower to be ready for my Christmas party with my family. My dad is so bummed out so I called all my sisters yesterday and asked them to meet me at Grandma's house early so we could make a video tape for my dad and email it to him. I think it will make him feel so much better.

Lauren and I talked a little last night. Mostly we fought but decided that we were going to be okay as time would heal whatever we were going through. I said 'I'm not mad at you- I'm mad at him. I'm so mad at him and it's going to take some time to be okay with this. She wants to marry Chris and have kids with him. I can't stop that trainwreck. I can only watch it happen. Maybe people change. Maybe. I hope so. For her.

I'm lucky to have Shanna who is a great friend. For all the problems I have with Lauren; I have none with Shanna. I'm happy to know that I'll always have her. I never worry about us. I know we're going to be okay. I don't have that kind of stability with anyone else in my life. There is something there that says that everything in the world can leave us; but we'll never leave each other. I don't know why I think I need anything else.

So much happening in January. Miami, The House, 25.
Too much.

"... I was already gone...Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on..."

My mind seems to be running a mile a minute lately. There is too much going on up there. First there is this whole Lauren thing. We are both to stubborn for whatever the next step is. If it's just walking away or if it's forgiving each other. Instead, we hang in limbo waiting for the other to make a move. She did text me and said she hoped that one day we could get over all of this and be friends and that she missed me. I gave her about 24 hours before I wrote her a text that I'm sure is construed as blowing it off. It wasn't intended to be mean but I wasn't ready to go there. She hasn't written since and I'm not sure I want her to. I have a digital frame in my office and there are more pictures of Lauren and I than anything. The first few days I turned it away because it made me mad to look at it. Now it stares me in the face like it's waiting for an answer from me. So do I give in and just grit my teeth through Chris? I can't. I really don't think I can watch him hurt her anymore. And I know we can't be friends without Chris being a factor. She loves him. So what is the issue? Sometimes I can't remember and sometimes it's so fresh in my mind that I hate him more than anything. This will end terribly. I can't explain that to her because she has to see it through. Does that mean I sit by and watch it all go down? Or do I put my foot down and say 'no way.' There is no right answer. I miss her though. I just don't know what to do. Before sticking by her made sense. Now it makes none.

My wisdom teeth are stupid. I was told 7 years ago that I needed them out. I didn't because 1. I hate dentists and 2. If it's not broke, dont fix it, right? Wrong. I'm in a lot of pain- the teeth are impacted and they need to be taken out. I can't until February though so it's suffering until then.

My 25th birthday is coming up soon. I don't even have anything delightful to say about that except that I want to be 21 again. I'm a quarter of a century old. That was funny on Richard's 25th. Now? Not so much. I have something great planned for my friends though. They are going to have a blast.

I miss my Dad. I really do. I should fly out to Washington to see him. If I could fly, which I can't because I'm terrified. He's so sad about missing Christmas with our family. He calls every night almost in tears because he wont be there. I'm making a video at the party and emailing it to him on Christmas morning. Modern technology is nice, huh?

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I really can't wait until Christmas morning. We didn't do a BIG Christmas. I don't even know if we ever will. I think 10 presents is good enough for Ethan. HE has everything he needs and it takes him forever to open a present. He's very OCD about it. The paper cant be wrinkled. The tape comes off first and then he slowly unwraps. There's something weird about that kid. He gets it from his dad, I swear. I love my kids. Maddox is walking now. It's so crazy. He's still my little baby in my head but he grows and he's tall and Mason is sweet and watching Maddox. He wants to walk too but he can't. He gets too excited when he stands up. I just love that little guy. At 1 year old- I can tell his heart is so big.

So much on my mind this Christmas...

Going to Miami... Welcome to Miami (Can you hear Will Smith?)

I haven’t been on blogger in foreverrrrr…well 2 weeks but still. Oh, btw, I am going to the Orange Bowl BABY! Miami- 1 week over the Orange Bowl, New Years, and my birthday. I’m so excited but dreading the drive. This weekend, my GPS arrived and I am in good hands. I wish there was a ‘don’t take me to the hood’ option on it though. Miami is rough parts or so I hear. We are actually staying in Boca Raton though. I’m so excited to go down there and root the Bearcats to a victory against the Virginia Tech Hokies! It’s going to be awesome! 60 degree weather in January and watching FOOTBALL! How amazing! Misty called me this afternoon and over talking I realized that she didn’t have enough money to give her daughters a good Christmas which made me feel soooo crappy about buying a $350 blackberry that I did not need. I am in the works of making sure that she has a great Christmas though. It’s funny – she’s in what most would call a toxic relationship with the father of her 2 daughters who seems to have an addiction problem. Addiction to what you ask? Anything. Addictions change but if you have that personality- you have that personality and he does. Just like Chris, Laurens boyfriend. After years of them fighting and him treating her like absolute shit, I got mad and broke ties with him and thus strained my relationship with my best friend of 10 years. I wanted to be the supportive friend who would always be there for her…but I could not support her going back to him AGAIN. I just couldn’t watch it and I didn’t want him anywhere near me. Lauren and I will probably never be the same and I have to deal with my decision to go that route. However, there is a difference in my disgust of Chris and my wavering interpretation of Randy (Misty’s boyfriend). Now they both suffer the same issues, and maybe it’s because there are children involved, but I am rooting for Misty and Randy to make it work and I’m definitely hoping that Chris and Lauren don’t work out and she’ll finally open her eyes and be done. Is it because of their children? Is it because I see the crap between Lauren and Chris more often than Randy and Misty? I don’t know. But I found it odd in our conversation that in many ways the best friend of my past and the best friend of my current are both dealing with these similar situations and I have such different strong feelings about both of them. I really need to analyze this further. But not here. Not now.

Oh Richard left a note in my car today on my airfreshner that said ‘I love you’. It made me all warm inside. This weekend was a drag. I was stressed out to the max on so many levels. Last Wednesday Richard was sick. On Friday I came down with the identical bug. And then Ethan has it today. It’s terrible. I hate this season; sad and gloomy and dreary and sick. Argh.